So this week is Crohns and Colitis (IBD) Awareness Week (Dec 1-7). Most of my followers know the journey that I have been though, so I didn't want to flood their Facebook with more posts about my day to day life, but for those of you that don't know, let me give you a brief overview of how my life has gone down over the past 2 years.
Life was going good, then BAM- you're diagnosed with severe Ulcerative Colitis. UC is an auto-immune disease that attacks the large intestine causing inflammation and ulcers. So I didn't just get it, but I got it bad. In and out of the hospital for months. Strong medications and ultimately the eviction of my colon. Temporary ileostomy for 3 months. A year and a half with a diseased jpouch. And now a permanent ileostomy with a completing gone rectum and anus- AKA Barbie Butt. All of this between May 2013 and Nov 2015.
I know there are many out there that struggle for years and years, but for the that severe flare was traumatic enough for me and severe enough for me that I had to make extreme decisions. Given all of that, I don't want this post to be primarily about my trauma. Here are things (1 for each day of awareness week) this disease has made me grateful for:
1) Friendships. The journey has made me appreciate all of my friends. Those that have been there for me since day 1. Those that have laughed and cried with me, or taken a few seconds to wish me well wishes. People come and go in our life. I am grateful for the strong bonds I have been able to form because of colitis.
2) My relationship. Relationships are hard on a good day, but a light switch flipped for me when I got sick. Relationships aren't all peaches and roses every day. They take work, and it takes courage and strength to stand my someone's side when things go wrong. Being sick in bed actually gave us time to bond again. We binged on TV shows. We laughed more. We attempted weekly movie dates.
3) My time. Before getting sick I was so work focused. I worked all the time. I did anything to make an extra buck, even if it meant no sleep and more stress. When I attempted to go back to a regular school with a higher position, I quickly learned that my time is valuable. More money does not always equate to more happiness, so I quit and went back to my work from home schedule with much less pay. Guess what- I get time to myself and I am learning boundaries. Life is about balance. Allowing time for myself is what is important.
4) My mental health........
As I was writing this I burst into tears. Reliving my journey set me on a downward spiral of sad feelings. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for a lot of things, but being grateful for all of the good things in my life doesn't make the mental pain less. It doesn't help me with my grieving process. So the brutal truth is, even though I have so much gratitude for my friends, family, my dogs, my work, etc, I am hurting.
I am sad that my butt will never look or feel the same.
I am sad that I will forever have poo coming out of my stomach.
I am sad that I will always have to worry about my immune system attacking my body.
I am sad that this happened to me.
But I know I am strong and I know I will get through this. I know I will one day I will be able to be grateful for everything without having to worry about dealing with the loss of a life I previously knew.
So while this post was supposed to be a positive one, it turns out the truth is stronger. If you are struggling with a loss of any sorts, it is ok to allow yourself to be sad/angry/overwhelmed. It's okay if you don't feel grateful for everything right now. It will come. On my good days, my appreciation for this disease is so much stronger because I know that it did not break me.
