Challenge accepted... challenge failed

Confession time:

So I lasted a whole 9 days of no gluten before I gave in and ate a pizza.  And the only reason I gave in was because it was late, I just got off of work, I was tired and hungry. Not a really good excuse but it happened. In addition, I failed the journeling. I also stopped that around the same time. But what I did do, was pay attention to how I have been feeling- and that has been CRAPPY! I am feeling like I did when I got sick, the calm after the storm but before the next storm.  My hands, knees, and feet are back to hurting.  I am so tried regardless of how much sleep I get. I am starting to get lightheaded and dizzy when I stand.  SO it is hard to completely blame gluten and if it is the demon that has possessed my body, then 1) it hasn't fully left my system and is still causing havoc or 2) it's not the gluten at all, but a whole different demon that is also causing damage.  My thoughts are that dairy is now also a prime suspect being that I have been consuming quite a bit- man I LOVE cheese.  So new goal- eliminate dairy.
Another thing I have come to learn about "gluten" or bread like products- they make me backed up and it makes using the bathroom tough and uncomfortable, so I must continue to keep those products to a bare minimum.
Word on the street is that it only takes a week or so of elimating diary to determine how it effects you. SO hopefully I will be feeling a tad bit better.  It has been a full 2 days of no dairy and eating out on gluten AND dairy free is a lot harder than people think. It forces me to cook meals to take for lunch/dinner when I go to work.

But I didn't want this post to focus on venting about constantly being sick. I wanted to focus my thinking on how we have to fail in order to succeed.  I mean if we succeed at everything in life without making any mistakes, what do we really learn?  So as much as I want to succeed at everything I do, I have to remember that it is okay to fail.  It is okay to not be successsful on the first try as long as I don't completely give up.  And based on this past year, I think I am doing a mighty fine job at not completely giving up.

Life is full of challenges...

So I have decided to break my challenges up into smaller periods.  Last month, I decided to challenge myself to run a mile every day for the month of June. Needless to say I didn't exactly meet that challenge because I missed a few days, however, I still feel like I accomplished something because on many of the days that I didn't run, I got out of the house and walked A LOT- like at least 3 miles, and sometimes more than that.  And really the whole point of a challenge is to push yourself beyond where you started at.  However, what I did learn is that 30 day challenges are hard. I mean, I know they are supposed to be hard, or it wouldn't be called a challenge, but I learned one thing about myself.  I learned that, right now, my goals need to more attainable.  30 days is a long amount of time.  I need much shorter time frame so that I meet goals.  In addition, I have learned that I need to find one focus and stick with that.  When I try to add all kinds of other things like running and the bubble butt challenge and so forth, it becomes harder to keep up with it all and I am more likely to give up.  So, with that said, I am now challenging myself to something new.  And it's something I need to do because my health is starting to deteriorate again. So starting today here are my goals for 21 days:

1) Eat gluten free
2) Practicing Reiki
3) journaling the 21 day journey to have proof as to whether it at all works or not (because really, if for some odd reason gluten doesnt change the way I feel, then I sure as heck don't want to give it up forever! I mean I do love  me some bread and pasta!)

So there it is. It is important for me to throw my thoughts out into the universe instead of keeping them bottled in. I find that when I say things aloud, then they are more likely to actually happen.  The universe works in mysterious ways.

It's just one of them days...

When I wanna be all alone.

It's just one them days,

When I gotta be all alone.

-Monica

The perfect verse for how I am feeling today.  I went from have three amazingly happy and manageable days to waking up feeling frustrating with my life and my situation.  I spent the day focusing on work and trying to clean, but I couldn't shake the frustration.  Thoughts just kept spinning in my head and eventually spiraling out of control.  I realized that I don't have the motivation to sew, I was on the toilet every 20-30 minutes so I didn't feel compelled to go for a walk causing me to cancel dinner plans with a friend, and as I laid on the couch and heard the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World, I realized that my last resort to release this energy was to write.  I hate to only write when I am feeling down, but I have to allow myself to hurt, to feel sad, and to be okay with releasing it back into the universe.  My hope is that after releasing these thoughts, I will feel more calm and open to more positive light and energy.

As I think about the song, I can't help but feel deeply moved by the words.  Every time I hear the song even in my head it nearly brings me to tears because I feel like it hits me in a way that it may not hit others.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

I feel like when I sing this song or say these lyrics I am talking to myself.  There are many times when I feel like I am giving up on myself.  This has been such a trying year that I just want to throw in the flag.  I am so tired of constantly worrying about it that going to hurt? Does that have gluten?  Does it have soy? What about diary? Well shit, what can I have?  What about when I go out, will I find a restroom?  And I know this is my new life, but some days are just harder than others.  I feel like I am just trying to stay afloat.  I am trying to find all of these things/activities to feel these voids and yet I don't know if I am overbooking myself, over committing myself, trying to do too much, or just being too hard on myself.  Or to play devil's advocate- am I being to easy on myself and letting myself get away with letting my thoughts take over?  I don't know. I just don't know and honestly, it all just leads back to not knowing who I am and not feeling comfortable in my skin.  (But let's expand on that later- it's too much to think about right now)

I woke up this morning and realized that I am just fed up.  I am fed up with being broke because I am spending so much money on "healthy" food and snacks, and supplements, and blood work to prove the supplements are working, and then more money on more supplements because the other ones hurt my stomach.  I realized that I am frustrated with how fucked up the world is in that we, I, have to spend double or triple the cost of "regular" groceries just because I need something to be gluten free or dairy free.  You would think with that lack of ingredients it would be cheaper.  I am frustrated because I am still not normal and yet I have hundreds of dollars of supplements sitting in my cabinet that I can't use.  Or I am spending over a hundred dollars a week on groceries just to avoid all the extra additives.  I mean seriously I am teacher.  A virtual teacher at that, so I make little to nothing.  And I live the Bay Area, so you might as well say I make minimum wage.  It's just that I am paying someone and spending HUNDREDS of dollars of month on a holistic method to heal and feel better, yet the lack of immediate results makes it really hard to focus on the long term goals.  It makes the daily struggle that much harder.  I like to think that I am strong woman. When I want something I usually make it happen, but for some reason, I can't break the vicious food cycle even though every one says its going to be the best for my health.  It is hard to break 30 years of bad habits.  What am I supposed to do when I can't afford any of it anymore? Which is coming up real soon.

They say its so much better for our bodies to eat organic, all natural, non-processed, or meat with no antibiotics- but the world sure makes it hard for your average person to live like that daily.

As I wrap up my thoughts and before I just start rambling, it is time for me to give thanks because although this is sad and depressing, I feel better.  This is what I needed. Thank you universe. 

Life happened (follow up)...

As my last post stated, life happened and I totally didn't make time to write, especially trying to write about the Photo a Day challenge.  I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.  Part of me says it was a good because that means that my life didn't revolve around my illness whether it was by scraping up ways to raise money or writing which then turns my brain to relate every thing to it-but at the same time, it is bad that I fell off the writing bandwagon because it is really a therapeutic outlet for me.  There is really a large part of me that relies on ways to let out the energy that I feel from what has happened to me.  I do, however, find that my mind is slowly creeping away from constantly identifying as the girl with UC.  I am slowly learning to live with and really accept my new body, which is weird, because most days I hate it.  Most days I am sad that I will never use the bathroom like normal people. 

With all of that said, let me tell you what has been happening in my life.  I went to Austin as a last minute treat/trip to spend time with a friend that was recovering from a brain decompression surgery- yeah exactly!  Which was interesting because I had never really spent a lot of time with this friend prior to this.  She jokingly says we were all "downtown friends" being we only hung out when we were all downtown, but to my surprise, we were pretty much a match made in heaven.  We had SOOOO much in common. There was a lot of lounging on the couch and watching murder mysteries (my fave!) and lots and lots of laughs.  It was so relaxing and a much needed break.  I am so grateful we were able spend that much time together and I hope it was as therapeutic for her as it was for me.

I also had a mini-meltdown as I realized that I have been feeling worse and worse and the only thing I can attribute to it is my eating habits.  The crazy thing is, as much as I know I need be better because of everything I went through, but its so hard to break 30 year habits.  (Thinking about how it all started will be a blog coming soon).  SO I am trying to work harder at added veggies to every meal and even adding new veggies outside of carrots and zucchini, but it is tough.  I don't really have the time to cook.  When I need to eat, I usually wait until the last minute to eat.  So now I know that gluten is the devil for my body.  Dairy might be just a bad friend, but not as bad as gluten has been.  So now I need to get back to gluten and dairy free, but most definitely gluten free- wish me luck!

My meltdown also reminded me that I have been struggling with my depression and anxiety.  I just don't feel naturally happy unless something extreme is happening and then when something extreme happens then I fall hard.  SO if I have a great day then I can almost bet that the next day I am at the complete opposite end.  Really, really thinking about getting back on that form of medication because I am at a point where I can't do it alone.  Then that brings up emotions of feeling like I have failed since I was so adamant about not being on any medication.  

So enough of the sad stuff, when I landed from the plane, I got surprised by Marc agreeing to get us a new pup. She is a tiny pittie and has been a joy in the house.  It has been tough with reteaching bathroom and not having her chew up the whole house, but I look forward to having her in our life for many years to come.

So that's it.... Life got the best of me and it wasn't a bad thing.  More to come as I get motivated to write again.  

Much love!

Life happened...

And I lost track of my writing.  I need to get back settled after being in Austin for a week, so I will catch you all up on a post this week- finishing off the Photo a Day challenge and just updating about what's gone on the past two weeks.

Four things

I cannot live without:

1) My Jergens Origianl Scent Lotion. You know I own the big bottles! haha  The smell and the way it makes my hands feel remind me of my grandmother.  She passed away a few years back and I miss her.  Sometimes I could feel her around, especially when I was sick.  I know a small part of her is with me every day.
2) My Cherry Chapstick.  I have tried sooo many other brands and just can't get beyond my Classic Cherry!  In fact, I bought like 20 last week just so I know I won't run out for a while.  I usually keep on in every room.  That's how crazy I am!
3) My Lifefactory water bottle.  I LOVE this water bottle.  If you don't know- they are made of glass and are covered in a silicone wrap.  The lid in the picture shows the lid that keeps water sealed in, but they now offer a lid that has a spout on it so you don't have to twist the cap on and off to drink.  I have both- of course! I use the closed lid when traveling.  And I don't leave the house without it.  In fact, to avoid dehydration - post surgery- I am supposed to drinking about 4 of these bottles a day.  That doesn't seem like a lot but each bottle is 20 ounces and at the end of the day, that is A LOT of water!  It is so hard to keep up with it, but this bottle helps me easily keep track of how much I've had and how many more bottles I need.  Plus, the glass helps keep my water cool for a longer time frame AND I am not having to worry about all that nasty plastic and plastic chemicals leaking in my water.
4) SWEETS!!!! Oh my- sugar is my devil. Luckily it sits well with my stomach and I don't have to worry about immediate gut threats, but I know in the long term its not the best for me.  But ever since my colon was removed all day I go in craving cycles- salt, sugar, salt, sugar, salt, sugar.  It's never ending!! My treats of choice- tart candy like sweetarts and smarties, cupcakes, and very rarely Hershery's Cookies and Cream bar.  I try to limit it to one treat a day.  I wish I didn't crave it so much, but in the big perspective, I think I have cut back significantly.  But in all honesty, I think its one thing that I will never 100% be able to eliminate from my diet.I can give up gluten and I can give up dairy, but sorry Jonny (my nutritionist), I just can't do the sugar.

Life Lesson of the Day: With all of the random writing I did today, I am finding the importance of release.  Release your energy whether it's through writing, stretching, breathing, running, reading, sewing, something.  I was feeling super crabby and almost grouchy all day, but now, after spending 10 minutes or so writing, releasing thoughts, I feel so much better.  
So release it. Let that energy out.  Trust me- it's better for your health.

Egg (Day 20)/ Close (Day 21)

What the hell- Egg? Seriously? I guess for easter.  Well I didn't celebrate Easter this year, but I did find this picture online that I thought was pretty damn funny.

I can't really relate this or anything "egg" themed to my topics of choice: UC or being chronically rad, so I am taking a hit on that part of my blogging and this will be a random writing.  Easter was always a time to celebrate with family.  Being away from my family has taught us to create our own traditions.  Last year we tried to go to the Hunky Jesus contest in SF and then we made our way to the Big Wheels race in Potrero Hill.  This year, we were more low key.  We had some chill time outside with the old roomies.  We went to the beach and really that's about it.  It does make me miss the bar-b-ques.  The company.  The laughs.  But I know moving far away was the best decision we ever made.  The move, the challenge of living away from everything we know and out of our comfort zone has changed us- for the better.  I say "we" because I can confidently say Marc feels the same way, but most definitely I feel that way.  Even with a year of the two years, I have been gone being completely shitty from being sick (oohh look at that! I was able to relate it all!) I have grown so much as a person.  My relationship with my partner has grown in significant ways.  We have had to learn to really depend on and rely on each other for support, for financial stability, and for the basic need of love.  I was able to redisover what made him such a wonderful man and such a great friend. I forced myself to make new friends, even though that challenge becomes harder and harder as we get older, especially for women.  It has forced me to appreciate the life around me.  The beauty of the nature around me.  So even though I miss all of the gatherings and weekend get togethers, I wouldn't change moving here.  In fact, I don't see myself moving back.  That's how much I know it was the right decision.  I pray to the universe that I can continue to take what it gives me-the good and the bad- and learn and grow from everything that it has to offer.

That is a good segway in Day 21's theme: Close.
I am reading that as this computer screen is close to me and not as "go close the door".  I guess that is the great and the worst thing about our written language, is it can be interpreted in  more than one way.  So with that said, I found that moving away from my friends and family has in a sense made us closer.  I find that my patience for my family (and you can't deny you don't get annoyed with your family at times) has increased, so I can appreciate who they truly are, which is really hard to do when you can't get passed seeing the negative or allowing the negative and annoyances take over your sight.  I have more in depth and quality-filled conversations with my parents.  My dad calls me on the phone to say hi.  Something he never did when I was close, mainly because he didn't have to.  They knew we would see each other sooner than later.  I have made deeper and more meaningful friendships with people back home that I wasn't super close with.  I always envied those that had an abundance of friends, but now looking back, most of those people were never really friends.  I am finding myself appreciating more the more close and personal relationships.  I don't need 500 people in my circle.  I am happy with 20 really close friends.  (I am not saying that is how many I have, but its the idea behind it).  I know I have more than 20 people in my corner and that has been proven this past year, but what I am saying is that while its nice to "know" a lot of people, it's not an envy anymore.  I don't feel the need to know everyone or to portray that I know a lot of people.  I wish to keep it more simpler.  (There are many that are not displayed in the photos below and it's because I didn't have a physical captured moment, but those memories are forever in my corazon.)

Much love!

 

Good...Money...(Day 18 and 19)

     So, yes I know I am about two days behind.  It has been a tough weekend mentally.  I've spoken on this quite a bit because it is the truth.  Depression and fighting negative thoughts is a daily battle.  And this weekend it was war.  My mood spiraled like a rollercoaster.  Ups and downs.  Happy and sad.  
     Based on the Photo A Day challenge: day 18 is "Good" and day 19 is "Money".  I am going to merge the two and do "Good Money", which for me is "good money spent on my alternative healing methods".

     I have to believe that my supplements and spending the extra money on hormonal free meat is doing my body "good" and better than the harsh chemical filled drugs I was taken.  I will even spend an extra buck on a gluten-free cupcake and even an extra 2 bucks on a cupcake that is gluten AND dairy free.  The above image shows the very first round of supplements I started when I first got diagnosed.  In addition to those, I was on heavy steroids and Humira.  I was also on a VERY restricted diet and I think without the diet and supplements, I would have been forced to have surgery sooner.  It wouldn't have been elective.  While things were keeping my UC at bay and not making it go extremely severe, it wasn't working enough to get me back to baseline, which is why I chose the surgery.  And for me, that was the right decision.  But back to spending money on natural supplements and alternative healing methods.  It is so worth it.  I pay a nutritionist/holistic med guy $150 an hour to analyze test results, suggest what to eat, what to avoid, and what supplements to take based on my lab work.  He is also very good about explaining how things work in the body and why he is asking me to do the things he suggests.
     The problem with alternative methods is it is EXPENSIVE and if I didn't cut out a lot of my daily costs, I wouldn't be able to afford it.  I mean, seriously, $150 an hour!  I have averaged between $200-$300 a month on supplements alone, not to mention my food bill has gone up because I am spending a lot more on good meat at Whole Foods.  And Whole Food is like Walmart or Target where you go in intending to buy one or two items and come out with like 20 and a bill over $100! ha!  
     BUT with that all said, at the end of the day, it is worth it.  It is worth giving up all the fast food and eating out bills to feel better.  I do notice a difference when I treat my body right and put the right things in it.  I notice a difference when I take my supplements.  I am more energized.  I am more alert.  I do have to admit it is a hard commitment, but one worth looking into and investing in.  Now if I can just stick to the gluten free "lifestyle" I might be back to 100% a lot quicker.  I just LOOOOVVEE me some bread! :) One day at a time.

If you are in the Bay Area and are looking for a way to naturally heal, even minor things that  might just seem "off",or want to get stronger, or just feel better overall, I know a guy.
Jonny Suarez
Comment and I will contact you with his contact info.  :)

Much love world.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for your support.  And most of all, thank you for your positive energy.

Something I learned

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.  This is a very hard lesson to really learn and actively think about, especially when you are mentally struggling.  Through this whole UC ordeal, I have had to learn to appreciate the small things in my life, the small progresses, and the small things that truly make me happy.  I have to actively seek those things out each and every day in order to stay sane.  There were many days when I couldn't get out of bed.  When I couldn't see any good in anything.  With a large and amazing support team, I was able to pull myself out of that and now try to make an effort to find ONE good thing every day, even when I am not feeling good.  There have been days when I just hate the world and then for even a few seconds Manu will come lay in lap and it reminds me that things are really okay.  Here's a photo of how it is the small things and those simple moments that are priceless.

I know I have posted as a life lesson of the day in a previous blog that you have to enjoy and appreciate the small successes.  It is the addition of all of those small successes that will help you reach you big goal.  My big goal was to get my health back.  While I am not there 100% yet, every day is getting a little better which means I am one step closer to reaching that goal.  I have a lot of work that still needs to be done, but through it all, I am a fighter and I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  I will not fail.  Not again.

I'm Reading

So I am an idiot and read the wrong date/word of the day.  Today is the 15th and not the 16th, but my "Vice" post was already published.  Today is the 15th and it's theme is: I'm Reading.  

So what I SHOULD be reading is "And the Mountains Echoed" by Khaled Hosseini, but instead, I have been watching too much TV.  I cannot get past the first page, in no fault of the book.  I think I wanted to read it on paper back but ended up getting the kindle version because it was cheaper and now I can't get motivated to read.  I have heard wonderful things about the book and will get started by this weekend.  I need to get my mind right and reading always helped me fall asleep and relax before bed.  I am also needing to read:

because my students chose this book to read in class.  I have found that it works better to have an interesting book to read a few chapters at time to talk about reading comprehension and vocabulary.  My students seem to respond better when it is a book they can get into rather than a short passage that they don't care about.  Talking about teaching brings up various emotions but that is for another post on another day.  

For now, I will leave you with my two reading goals for the next week or two.  Go read one and tell me what you think!

Life Lesson of the Day: Stick with your commitments.  As much as I want to just throw in the towel and not read the book of the month for my book club, I know I have to and I have to follow through because the book club was my my idea.  I have to be a good leader and hope that everyone else will follow.  So stick to what you promise to do, especially if you expect others to do the same.

My Vice

You are probably wondering why the hell I am putting a picture of my TV and couch as a representation of "My Vice".  The answer to your question is: I use these two wonderful items as an excuse to do absolutely nothing but lay and watch junk TV.  I back out of social plans to watch reruns of murder mystery shows.  I use the excuse that I have worked all day and I am tired as a reason to watch TV and get in my pjs.  How is this a vice?  Well, when I was thinking about what to write for today, I realized that it's not very easy to admit your vices, your faults.  And then when I really started thinking about it, I don't do much.  I don't smoke weed.  I might have a drink or two a week, but it doesn't overpower my life, I try my hardest not to lie and when I do, I feel guilty enough to admit the truth.  So when all is said is done, using these two items as an excuse to not do anything, to not be social, to not sew, to not write or read, to me is my biggest vice.  But, for now I will keep using it as an excuse because it's my safe zone and after everything I have been through the past year, I deserve a little bit of slack to do nothing.

I Got Lost...(Part II)

I figured I'd break down the extra long post into two blog writings, just in case you wanted to take a break.  So here is Part 2 of me catching up on my Photo A Day Challenge (Days 10-14).

Day 10: My Fave Part of the Day: My favorite part of the day is definitely night time, even more when the moon is shining bright.  My MOST favorite thing is when the sun and the moon are visible at the same time.  I don't know why, but I think it is so cool.  It's like that weird in between of day and night.  Like both the sun and the moon are having a conversation like we would if we were changing shifts at a job.  I didn't have a personal picture of the sun and the moon together but I did find this great shot of the moon hanging out over Oakland.  Something so mysterious about the moon.  As much as I love to lay in the sun, there is something special about the moon. It is calming for me.  It's like my soul feels more comfortable when the moon is out.





Day 11: 3 of a Kind: Yay! An opportunity to talk about my two other besties! Lori and Mandy are two of my favorite souls of all time.  We are all very much alike with the same thoughts and life beliefs. We seem to understand each other in a way and connect in a way that is hard for most females to connect with one another.  I don't quite understand why it is so hard for the female population to connect to with one another and make real relationships, however, I am forever grateful for these two beautiful women.  They have both been there for me through many of my life's speed bumps.  I wish they would just move to the Bay because I miss them so much!  This picture was taken when we went to DC for my haf marathon, just before I got sick.  I will forever remember this trip for many reasons.  OF course the main reason because of the damn disease, but more so because this was the first trip we all ever took without our significant others.  It was a true girls getaway and it was so much fun.  I enjoyed doing all of the fun touristy stuff and finding cool places to eat.  I cannot wait until we can do it again.


Day 12: On My Left: On my left arm is my newest ink.  A tribute of sorts to my journey through this battle.  I wanted something to represent the struggle, but always represent the beauty of me, my scars, and the beauty of life.  Even through the bad, it is important to find the positive as much as possible.  Even though I battle depression every day, I try to take one second each day and think of something positive.  This tattoo is a daily reminder that I am strong.  That I have conquered the worst (at least for now).  That I can handle anything.  And most of all, that I am beautiful.  I love this tattoo and its style because it isn't black and white, especially in a sense that the lines aren't perfect.  It isn't your traditional tattoo style.  Colors are out of the lines and all over the place, when you look at it as a whole, it makes this amazing picture.  The colors or shades of purple were chosen because purple is one of the colors to represent colitis awareness.  I couldn't have asked for a better artist and a better result.

Day 13: More Please!: More date nights please! Right before getting sick, we found our groove and were starting to go out more.  Those nights were fun.  I want more of those random dates.  I want more date night selfies or usies, or whatever you want to call them.  I want that feeling back of being a newly in love couple.  Don't get me wrong, we still go out every now and again and it's  fun and all, but I want those silly nights, where we are only out with each other and the rest of the world doesn't exist.  The illness have been a blessing in so many ways, but also, it has had huge impact on my relationship.  While he has been here for me through all of the bad and continues to be a huge part of pulling through my dark days, I know that this has been trying on him.  I just want to be better for him.  I want to make him happy.  Nothing makes me smile more than when he smiles when he looks at me.  But I know that what makes him smile is seeing me feel better and seeing me running and doing things that I love and that make me feel good.  The good thing that came out of it was when I wasn't working, we were able to spend more quality time with each other.  You would think that being in the house together all day long would cause us to hate each other and want to kill each other, but really, it did the opposite for us.  We started going to weekly movies, we started sitting in the front yard, and we started flirting again.  Note to self: do my part to get back to that. (This picture was taken on a random drive to Napa Valley.  We stopped by a random shopping center that had this really cool chair.)

Life lesson of the day: Don't take for granted those that are there for you from day one.  Especially those that put up with you on all of your hard days.  

Day 14: Dirty: Ha! Perfect timing to talk about the Manu dog. He is FILTHY right now! He soooo needs a bath, but he is out of shampoo right now.  Anywho- let's talk about how awesome Mr. Manu is.  He came along a year ago before SXSW (2013).  We found him at Oakland Animal Shelter and it some convincing for Marc to want him.  We had gone to like 5 animal shelters that day and I knew he was the one when we saw him.  He was so timid and quiet and seemed very calm.  We got to meet him face to face and he just wanted to lay near me.  The poor little guy was so scared.  We took a day and then made the decision it would be him.  We went back and set up the adoption.  We had to wait another couple of days before we could take him home because he needed to neutered.  I was so excited to bring him home.  He so so scared of the world.  We couldn't walk him without having to stop every 10 steps.  He refused to get in the car.  And now, he is unstoppable.  His confidence is off the charts! He is the master and guardian of the yard.  He is the boss of all dogs and he loves hanging his window out of the car window.  I am so proud of how far he has gone.  He has also been so great about taking care of me.  I remember we had already planned to take him to Austin when we went last June for my nephew's graduation.  This was when the sickness was at it's worse.  So imagine trying to get through the airport and a flight while not puking on yourself and trying to keep a dog in a cage when he didn't want to be in it at all.  Not to mention he cried the entire flight to Austin.  (Almost a 4 hour flight!!!)  Poor Marc had to deal with him alone on the flight back home.  But this little guy loves to snuggle and loves to give kisses.  It's almost like he is having a conversation with me through his kisses.  I love this little guy so much. You know they say "Who really saved who" and this guy has stolen my heart, which I thought wouldn't really be possible so soon after losing my Jade dog.  He is a special little guy and I look forward to many more years being his best friend.

I got lost...(Part I)

Trying to keep up with all of the things that I dove into- running, blogging, work, sewing, reading- that I lost track of my Photo A Day Challenge.  My intention was to do it weekly instead of daily as to not bombard your feed with a daily blog, but a week and so later, I still have yet to blog.  This means I need to go back to doing it daily.  It was really keeping my mind busy and allowing me to release thoughts.  So, now I must catch you up.  My last post was on Day 5.  Here we go!

Day 6: A Taste of Spring: This one was easy.  Here are pics of my garden.  Oakland has been a LOVELY place to grow stuff because we get great weather and tons of sun!  Unfortunately, due to my j-pouch and IBD, I still cannot do raw veggies, so I get a little jealous when I see Marc picking out a fresh carrot, washing it off, and taking a big bite into it  I also really miss salads, but body cannot digest raw vegetables and everything is still too fresh to even try.  I still have a hard time with cooked veggies.  Hopefully this time next year, I can re-introduce lettuce.

Day 7: Where I'd Rather Be: Hmmmm...This is a tough one because I'd rather be in my bed, but right now that would only take 5 steps and mission accomplished.  So I am going to go beyond that and say that right now, I would rather be somewhere tropical where I could lay on the beach (even though I don't like sand) and not think about anything.  Below is a [google image search] of Fiji.  That's where I'd rather be right now.  With a frozen rita rimmed with salt, a bikini, and a good book.


Day 8: Hobby: This one I must take the time to talk about sewing. It was something that I always wanted to do, but just never invested the time.  I finally took the plunge and bought a decent machine and began to teach myself to sew.  Just like blogging and running I found that it was a good escape mentally.  Once I focused on creating something, I stayed in it until I achieved it, even if it took all day.  Since I have gotten my sewing machine, I have made two capes, a baby blanket, headbands, and monster tissue holders.  Most of which I am selling on my Etsy website (www.etsy.com/shop/chronicallyrad) as an effort to raise funds for my CCFA Take Steps Walk in SF on June 6th.  Etsy shop also linked in home page of blog.  Ever since I got sick, I am finding the importance of releasing energy and trying to create something creative.  I may be horrible at it, but it feels so good to get the creative juices flowing.Featured below is a picture of the headbands and monster tissue holders that are for sale.  Go buy one!!




Day 9: Dark: Now on a more serious note.  When I saw that dark was the word of the day, I knew it was perfect timing to talk about the serious depression that this disease and situation has brought into my life.  It is a serious chemical imbalance and its not that easy to just say "I am going to be happy today".  I wish it was that easy.  It takes a A LOT for me to fight the very dark thoughts.  In fact, when i first got sick and couldn't get out of bed, I was having suicidal thoughts.  Even with my best friends here and seeing tiny progress, I couldn't help but feel that things would be so much better if I didn't exist.  I hated having those thoughts, but most of all, I hated that I couldn't control them.  I have spent many days crying and trying to understand what was going on.  I finally decided to get on Prozac about a month before my surgery when the dark thoughts wouldn't go away. That really helped but I didn't want to become dependent on them.  Fortunately or Unfortunately, they gave me really intense side effects like very vivid dreams and extreme night sweats, so although they were working I decided to stop taking them.  I am now 4 months post op and about 2 months post getting off of Prozac and while the depression is getting better because I am getting healthier, I still struggle every day to fight the dark thoughts.  There are many days that I don't want to get out of bed.  Many days where I have to force a smile.  Many days when I wish I could just say "I am happy" and truly mean it.  Most of the days, I really just wish I had control of my thoughts, but for me, that is harder than it sounds. Depression is real, and while it can be treated naturally, it will never really go away, and honestly, it is OKAY if you need to take medicine to feel balanced and functional in the world.  Sometimes I question if I should go back on the Prozac, but for now, with A LOT of support from my significant other, I will continue the daily battle.

(Part 2 of this catch up in the next post )

Not Mine

So you are probably wonder how two very adorable puppies count for "Not Mine".  Well, here you go.  This post is dedicated to my Jade dog, who I miss so much every day.  She was my 10 year old pittie who we had to lay to rest February 2013 due to a very unexpected illness.  Before I move on, I must include a picture of her beautiful face, so you understand why writing this is hard.

Jade was the very first dog I owned on my own and the very first pit bull I ever owned.  I learned quite quickly how my world was going change for as long as I owned her.  It would always be difficult to find housing.  Parents would pull kids close as we walked by.  I would get into arguments about the breed with people who based their prejudice on something that happened to someone else or a story that they heard.  I was so blessed with Jade in my life.  She made me such a better human.  She opened so many people's eyes and hearts.  I had several friends who wanted nothing to do with her or pit bulls, but once they met her their hearts changed.  She could brighten anyone's day with her huge smile and great cuddles and kisses.  She was such a beautiful soul.  
So now I have a great tiny terrier dog, Mr. Manu, and while he has been a blessing in my life in a totally different way, my heart is still missing something.  I need a pittie in my life.  It is just a part of who I am.  They are a fantastic breed and it breaks my heart that they end up in the wrong people's care.  But I won't spend this blog trying to convince you why the breed is amazing or bring down the energy of this writing by venting about all of the injustices the breed goes through, so let me move on.  Today's theme is "not mine" and I posted a picture of a pittie pup because they aren'e mine- at least not yet.  Once I start feeling much better, enough to be able to run with two dogs, then I will be adding a pittie to our little family.  Mr. Manu needs a little big sister and I need to fill this small hole in my heart that can only be filled by one thing- a pit bull.

I love you Jade and miss you more than words can ever explain.
Here are a few more pictures for you to enjoy!

Good Together

Ahhh. Yes cheesy post time!  I mean who doesn't love cheese? You aren't human if you don't love cheese.  Oh wait- got off topic for a second thinking about a nice block of cheese.  Mmmm. Ha!  So today's theme for the Photo A Day challenge fell in perfect timing.  I knew immediately that to represent "Good Together", I couldn't pass up the opportunity to honor my best friend of the past 7 years.  

Our first V-Day Pillow fight in SF. V-Day 2013.

In my eyes, we are "Good Together"... Like peanut butter and jelly...cookies and cream...milk and cookies...hamburger and fries...a bagel and cream cheese...okay enough about food. :)  But without him, I am not sure where my life would be, and honestly, I don't ever want to think about it.  I have been truly blessed with such an amazing soul to share this life with.  He makes me a better woman.  We are good together because we make each other better.  We bring out the best in each other and push each other to be better humans.  He has stuck by my side through the most embarrassing disease and took it all the bad days like a champ.  He has supported me in anything I want to.  I loved opening my lunchbox to find cute little drawings to wish me a good day.  

I say this theme couldn't have come at the most perfect time because today is his special day, his birthday.  So Happy Born Day my love! Thank you for all that you do, all that you are, and all that push me to be.  I look forward to spending many more birthdays with you.

This was like 2 years after we started dating.  I threw
him to best surprise birthday party.  He had NO clue!

One of the very few selfies I was able to capture of
a quick kiss. At the beach.

At HeiroDay in Oakland, circa 2013.  Post sickness,
Pre-surgery.

Think we love the beach much?  This might have been
during our Alcatraz visit with the homies.
December 2013.

Shapes

So today's photo challenge was "Shapes" and as I walked to an interview at Niketown in SF, I thought to myself: How can I make this post a not so obvious shapes post.  While walking around downtown San Francisco, I realized that our entire world is composed of shapes on top of shapes to form everything around us.  It's like a larger scale of atoms to form tangible matter.  So I decided to take some pictures of shapes that caught eye. Shapes that make up "city life".  I noticed that while searching for these shapes, I began to find a new appeciation for the things that I look past daily.

Life Lesson of the Day: Learn to appreciate the small things in life.  

This past year has definitely forced me to think about everything and really appreciate the little things.  To appreciate the small successes.  To appreciate the positive people in my life, and in a weird way, to appreciate the negative ones.  I try to learn something from them too.  I enjoy the outside and fresh air in a different way.  I appreciate the short walk to the park.  I even found a new appreciation for the graffiti and grime that Oakland has to offer.

On a note outside of my "illness".  I love living in the Bay Area.  Its been a little over two years and in my heart I always need I belonged to a bigger city.  Something about the smog in the air, the dirty train stations, the rush of people in the streets, and the unbelievably amazing weather most of the year makes my heart feel a certain way.  I think I might be in love. I am so thankful that both Marc and I decided to take the huge step and move away from our comfort zone.  It has made us both better people. It has forced us both to grow up, and honestly, it gave us an avenue to fall in love with each in a whole new way. (But that's a blog for another day.)  Thank you Bay Area.  Cheers for the past two years and may we have many more great years ahead of us.

Entrance and Exit of Bart.
(triangles)

I LOVE the buildings in downtown SF.
The different layers and heights to them.
So much character.
(Compilation of all shapes)

I thought this was a cool shot of "city life".
Bikes are almost a necessity here.  I am
not sure how I have gone 2 years without one.
(circle)

Escalators going down to the Bart platform.
(rectangle)