Lost in the World of Self-Hate land...

 

     It is a weird feeling to be able to label something that I have been dealing with off and on for my entire life.  As a kid I was always so critical of myself, my looks, my abilities.  I just figured that was life and that was who I was and accepted that, or that was part of being a girl.  And maybe to a small extent that is all true.  

     That inner critic, let's call him my demon, moved through life with me as I grew to be an adult.  Some years, it was barely there, and some years I couldn't get rid of it. As I grow older, I am learning that it has a name- Self-Hate.  Because really, that's what I am doing, allowing hate-like thoughts take over my full being.  It is not healthy for me to accept the bad criticism.  It is not healthy for me to allow my negative thoughts to rule my body in a negative way.  But how do you battle the demons?  It's not as easy as some would think.  I can't just simply say "Go away, you are wrong." and then it be all good.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to find a way to change 31 years of bad thinking.  You try changing 20+ years of a habit.

     So here I stand here (or sit in front of my computer) before you today acknowledging that the little shit is back and has forced me back into a corner, or back onto the island of Self-Hate land.  I haven't quite figured out what causes him but what I have learned to do is recognize what is going on and to acknowledge that it's happening.  That means I am in a position to try to battle it.  So the next few things, are not for you to critique, but for me to get these thoughts out of my head.  I can't fight the battle silently.  I need to throw that energy out of my mind, my body, and my soul, so that I can work towards happiness.

You are probably wondering, "What the hell do you have to be depressed about?" (because really the negative thoughts made me feel depressed.  So let me finish/answer your thoughts:
Yes, I have my health.  
Yes, I have all my bills paid and a roof over my head.
Yes, I have an amazing partner that is my best friend. My do or die partner in crime.
Yes, I have two crazy amazing dogs that keep me on my toes.
Yes, I have a job.
Yes, I have materialistic things that other wish they could have.

I KNOW I have all of that and more, but just knowing isn't strong enough to get rid of the negative thoughts. My brain isn't wired like that.  So here's what happens in the brain of Erica.

First, it usually gets prompted by a though after looking in the mirror.
Ugh, you are getting fat. How could you let yourself gain 30+ lbs?
How could you not care about your body enough to not eat all that bad shit. 
You know you were better off when you weren't eating dairy, gluten, and sugar.  
Do you not love yourself enough to just do it again.
You are making yourself sick. It's all your fault! And you are so stupid for allowing this.

Those thoughts cycle throughout the day along with:
I am horrible doggy mom. I need to be walking my dogs more. 
So now you are fat and lazy.
How can you not get back into working out. Its not that hard. 
Why are you being so lazy?

So picture all those negative thoughts just constantly circling around regardless of what you tell yourself.  Luckily, I have amazing friends and a very patient fiance that is helping me hang on tight to the rope of escape.

When I wrote this post, I was lost far into the land.  That was less than a week ago.  Today, I feel a little more hopeful. These thoughts still are running wild in my head, but I am slowly learning to ignore them.  I am taking it one day at a time.  In the mean time, I have started working out, because the honest to god truth is, if I don't like something, then I have the power to change it.  That same mentality applies to my physical being as well.  Since I am not truly happy with the way I look physically, I can do something to change, WHILE I work on loving myself.  While I work on ignoring society's views on what I SHOULD look like.  So this week, I decided to focus on working out.  I started the T25 program and am seeing my psychiatrist to talk about the anxiety that comes along with all of these circulating thoughts.  The exercise is definitely helping with how I feel about myself, but that too is a journey.  (and a separate writing topic)

So I leave with this last thought...For those of you that have fully accepted yourself for who you are inside and out, I give you a round of applause.  School me on the steps that I can take to achieve the same power.