Trying to keep up with all of the things that I dove into- running, blogging, work, sewing, reading- that I lost track of my Photo A Day Challenge. My intention was to do it weekly instead of daily as to not bombard your feed with a daily blog, but a week and so later, I still have yet to blog. This means I need to go back to doing it daily. It was really keeping my mind busy and allowing me to release thoughts. So, now I must catch you up. My last post was on Day 5. Here we go!
Day 6: A Taste of Spring: This one was easy. Here are pics of my garden. Oakland has been a LOVELY place to grow stuff because we get great weather and tons of sun! Unfortunately, due to my j-pouch and IBD, I still cannot do raw veggies, so I get a little jealous when I see Marc picking out a fresh carrot, washing it off, and taking a big bite into it I also really miss salads, but body cannot digest raw vegetables and everything is still too fresh to even try. I still have a hard time with cooked veggies. Hopefully this time next year, I can re-introduce lettuce.
Day 7: Where I'd Rather Be: Hmmmm...This is a tough one because I'd rather be in my bed, but right now that would only take 5 steps and mission accomplished. So I am going to go beyond that and say that right now, I would rather be somewhere tropical where I could lay on the beach (even though I don't like sand) and not think about anything. Below is a [google image search] of Fiji. That's where I'd rather be right now. With a frozen rita rimmed with salt, a bikini, and a good book.
Day 8: Hobby: This one I must take the time to talk about sewing. It was something that I always wanted to do, but just never invested the time. I finally took the plunge and bought a decent machine and began to teach myself to sew. Just like blogging and running I found that it was a good escape mentally. Once I focused on creating something, I stayed in it until I achieved it, even if it took all day. Since I have gotten my sewing machine, I have made two capes, a baby blanket, headbands, and monster tissue holders. Most of which I am selling on my Etsy website (www.etsy.com/shop/chronicallyrad) as an effort to raise funds for my CCFA Take Steps Walk in SF on June 6th. Etsy shop also linked in home page of blog. Ever since I got sick, I am finding the importance of releasing energy and trying to create something creative. I may be horrible at it, but it feels so good to get the creative juices flowing.Featured below is a picture of the headbands and monster tissue holders that are for sale. Go buy one!!
Day 9: Dark: Now on a more serious note. When I saw that dark was the word of the day, I knew it was perfect timing to talk about the serious depression that this disease and situation has brought into my life. It is a serious chemical imbalance and its not that easy to just say "I am going to be happy today". I wish it was that easy. It takes a A LOT for me to fight the very dark thoughts. In fact, when i first got sick and couldn't get out of bed, I was having suicidal thoughts. Even with my best friends here and seeing tiny progress, I couldn't help but feel that things would be so much better if I didn't exist. I hated having those thoughts, but most of all, I hated that I couldn't control them. I have spent many days crying and trying to understand what was going on. I finally decided to get on Prozac about a month before my surgery when the dark thoughts wouldn't go away. That really helped but I didn't want to become dependent on them. Fortunately or Unfortunately, they gave me really intense side effects like very vivid dreams and extreme night sweats, so although they were working I decided to stop taking them. I am now 4 months post op and about 2 months post getting off of Prozac and while the depression is getting better because I am getting healthier, I still struggle every day to fight the dark thoughts. There are many days that I don't want to get out of bed. Many days where I have to force a smile. Many days when I wish I could just say "I am happy" and truly mean it. Most of the days, I really just wish I had control of my thoughts, but for me, that is harder than it sounds. Depression is real, and while it can be treated naturally, it will never really go away, and honestly, it is OKAY if you need to take medicine to feel balanced and functional in the world. Sometimes I question if I should go back on the Prozac, but for now, with A LOT of support from my significant other, I will continue the daily battle.
(Part 2 of this catch up in the next post )
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